Reflective Entry Week 11 – Presencing

I would like to express gratitude to Ingrid and Grichka for their supportive, cooperative and enthusiastic involvement all through the coaching calls. We as a team understood and learned enormously from each other.

My role as a coachee:

For this coaching call, we decided to begin the conversation in the morning. We started with Grichka and me as the coach and coachee respectively. Ingrid was our observer. We discussed about the way we tried to find our “authentic self”. We discussed in detail about the blending of sensing and presencing. It means to connect with the source of the highest future possibility and bring it into the present. Moreover, we discussed about the simple distinction between sensing and presencing. Later, I elaborated on the distinction as follows; sensing means acting from the current situation whereas; presencing is operating from the future, in other words future possibility that is seeking to emerge.

During the presencing, we tried to find the authentic self? For that we tried to answer few questions like, how do you think you “should” be? , What is the main aim of your life? We often find it difficult to answer such questions. In the discussion we concluded that it is impossible to judge yourself unless you know yourself truly. Each individual has his own way of thinking and thought process as a result people can’t understand themselves fully. There are various reasons due to which people are not able to judge or understand their needs, perception, thoughts, behaviour, personality and actions. Due to which, these individuals fail to know themselves completely.

Therefore, in order to find a solution for all the above failures, it is important to know yourself. And to know your authentic self one must dig deep down his/her own thoughts. All of us agreed that – it needs time, practice and energy, however the results are much greater than the investments.

My role as a coach:

I was coaching Ingrid, I observed that her way of thinking and finding her authentic self was completely different from mine. She had a strong opinion about rights for men and women. We discussed this was the implication of the society. Moreover, she elaborated that it is really difficult to find the authentic self with people you do not know well. Furthermore, we discussed the solutions to overcome above mention issue. One of which was to create a circle of presence, which means, it is required to have people around you who support you in the pursuit of deeper questions and challenges thus helping you unfold your journey.

Otherwise, he/she should develop a collective cultivating practice which brings intentional silence. Generative dialogues that provide access to deeper source of awareness and attention in daily life or routine are often a great deal of help. This is a gateway to connect and realise deeper source of collective creativity.

My role as an Observer:

All through my role as an observer for Ingrid and Grichka, I observed closely that – Being in a deeper state of mind, we enter a state of fundamental freedom and we gain the capacity to create and imagine our own thoughts. In this process we reach the highest stage of being our own authentic self. We achieve the power of operating from our highest future Self; At this point, we just want to be our own authentic self, and not be carried away by others thoughts. We don’t want to feel the stress and we don’t want to compete or be compared with anyone.

Thus Inner reflection can be frightening, but it will help us to discover our authentic self.

To conclude – I want to state the quotation by Bernice Johnson – “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.”

Have a wonderful week!

Best regards,

Abhinav Shrivastava

Feedbacks on coaching cession - Week 10

My role as a coachee:

For this coaching cession I noticed that I was very receptive to what my coach was saying. I think this is due to the fact that Ingrid improved a lot in coaching people. Indeed, now she notices very interesting and relevant points. I really realize that she adds value to what I’m saying, speaking from another perspective. It makes me think about the analogy of the elephant: all blind people in the room  touch a part of the elephant and are convinced that they are right about what is present in the room (trunk, tail, leg, …) but nobody sees the real picture: the elephant. During the last coaching cession my coach made me see my personality from another angle. For instance when I was trying to define who I am I was focusing too much on the future and not on the past at all (we saw in class that this was a risk of field 4 conversations) which I think now is a mistake: how can I know who I am and who I want to be if I don’t know who I was? She made me realize that when I was projecting myself in the future I was only doing it through the “job prism” and not through the personal life aspect. And finally she suggested me to do more inquiry about myself concerning why it is harder for me to presence when I’m around people.

My role as a coach:

I really enjoyed coaching Abhinav for that last coaching cession. It was very interesting because now we are starting to know each other. Indeed, in the different life experiences he was talking about I could have told he was Abhinav even if I couldn’t have seen his face and recognized his voice. Some elements of his personality are sticking to his reactions, no matter the kind of conversation we have. I’m glad I can notice that because it proves me I’m paying attention to what he is saying. That shows I am really listening. The same thing happened when I was observing Abhinav coaching Ingrid, I could see that some elements of her personality where coming at each coaching cession (her lack of confidence for instance), Abhinav noticed it too and tried to suggest her ways to work on that. I’m really glad we all improved our coach skills together!! I have the feeling the whole team and I improved on the 5 processes of coaching: listening, mirroring, summarizing, questioning and catalyzing. Nevertheless mirroring is still the part I have to work on harder. Indeed, I feel comfortable at mirroring with my partners because I know them now but I’m not sure I would be that good and that confident with someone I have never talked with. Finally, I want to add that I can feel that coaching requires a lot of energy BUT it really gives you energy back when you can tell you helped your partners. I also realized that coaching can be done in our everyday life and I’m going to keep doing it.

Thanks to my team members for that whole cession of coaching J

Week 11 - Reflective Entry

My role as a coach:

This time I realized that finding questions wasn’t difficult. Usually this has been almost a stress factor for me, because I was always so preoccupied with making sure that I was asking the right questions and the questions that matter. Over time this has become increasingly easier, as I’ve been able to relax more and to get familiar with the process. And this time it was almost like the questions came to me. This week’s assignment is very intriguing and personal, and we all have different aspects to share. I found my coachee’s story interesting, his perspective of this assignment differed from mine and I wanted to learn why this was the case. I was able to ask clarifying questions, and I felt my questions also provided some reflections for my coahee. My coachee had focused a lot on his authentic self within the work life, and I asked him to clarify why, and also to reflect more on his personal life. This lead me to realize that his wish to change the functions of the industry in fact was part of his personal beliefs, and that he felt this could best be accomplished through his work life.

We were also able to reflect around his experience with presencing. He talked about a certain point during the exercise where he felt that he was truly presencing, and felt that in this moment he could have listened very well to a potential coachee. Then I asked if he had been in this state of mind around people before. We reflected a bit around this, because the concept of presencing is relatively new to all of us, and so it was somewhat challenging to think of a situation where this might have happened in the past, before we knew about the concept. All in all, I felt I was able to utilize the five key processes in a constructive manner during this session. The process of catalyzing however, I still find somewhat challenging.

My role as a coachee:

As a coachee, I was asked specifically about my comment about equal rights for men and women. For me this was an example in regards to my reflection around whether or not I am able to “walk the talk”. It was to show that I worry about my actions not conveying my thoughts.

We also talked about my fear of upsetting people. Could upsetting people perhaps be a good thing? If they are truly mistaken and they are upsetting others, perhaps they need to have an attitude adjustment? And although I do agree with this, when I talk back to people in an aggressive tone, I always feel so guilty after. Thus leading me to try to avoid this feeling, by avoiding uncomfortable situations.

I was also asked about whether or not this fear of what other people think about me is hindering my potential. And I would have to say yes to this. If I have an idea, that I think is good and might work, but I worry about what other people might think, I may decide to not share this idea with other team members. This is of course a problem, and something that I need to work through, in order for me to become more secure and also more aligned with myself - more in harmony. I need to find a way to relax more around people in order for me to be m authentic self around others.

Ingrid Elisabeth Sørensen

Week 11 - Coaching Assignment - Option One: Solo Presencing

Early morning on Wednesday, I went to the park near the university. It was a pleasant morning. I felt the cold breeze and water droplets. I sat on the wooden bench in the park. There was no disturbance, no traffic and no noise. I sensed the calmness of the atmosphere. I observed and admired the beauty of the nature. Afterwards, I started noticing the breathing sensation. I felt the sensation of the deep breaths. I was feeling more comfortable and composed as the time passes away. I made myself more comfortable on the wooden bench. I kept my arms opened and relaxed myself on the side arm of the wooden bench. I kept my legs straight and relaxed the body from top to bottom. I felt myself at the most ease state. While, I was looking at the sky I thought about my authentic self? Who am I? Suddenly, I felt perplexed. There were no thoughts in my mind. For some time, I was blank and my heartbeats started getting faster. I saw the cloudiness in my thoughts. There were numerous feelings coming and departing. I found myself in the flash back of my life. I observed that my thoughts or beliefs are flooding and heart and mind not able to comprehend them completely. I started think myself as a scientist or musician. I thought that I was good in scientific studies or I find myself more involved when I played my guitar. However, I was too much confused in my own thoughts. I can’t found my identity. I started finding clauses about my own traits. What is my unique persona? Am I too rigid with other? Why I can’t see myself as a gentleman? Why my thoughts are overridden with lot of negativity. Am I actually a positive person? I always looked at the brighter side of the situation, but why I am not so confident in my thoughts. Some forces or old bad memory of mine was not allowing me to move forward. After sometime, I felt the heaviness in my head and veins near the temple of forehead underway pumping too quickly. I tried to convince myself that I am unique, I possess many qualities. I am a resemblance to my parents. I am convinced by traditional values and cultural back background etc. I concluded that my personality is a sum of my culture, society, educational backgrounds, experience and situation that I had faced. I felt that I had learned many things from my experiences and I am getting stronger day by day as I am facing different aspect of life. I thought that experience was a hard teacher; it takes test first and teaches the lesson afterwards. I felt the old memories of my school days. I was thinking how fast time passed away. I also visualized some of my old memories. I was satisfied and felt the calmness in my thoughts. After sometime I was feeling restless and sad, I was actually thinking about unnatural death of my close relative. I was trying to realize and comprehend the terrible situation of their family. Subsequently, I felt relaxed recapped how my family helped them to come out of mourning. I was also thinking about my volunteering work. I remembered the days, when I was involved in Help-age service. I recalled how we visited the old homes and distributed cloths and fruits to grandparents. I realised the presence of past, future and my authentic self; there co-presence made me to experience a profound shift, I felt the change of the place from which I operate. I felt inspired thinking about my volunteering and charitable work. I was able to sum up my personality more clearly. I felt satisfied and contented thinking and realizing the authenticity of my life. I realized the power of presencing. I saw the blending of sensing and presence, and the connection helped me to realize my true identity. I observed that presencing provide a deep threshold there needs to be crossed in order to connect to one’s real source of presence, creativity and power. In the whole process I felt the three stages such as – current field, emerging field of future and my presence of authentic Self.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful day!!

Best Regards,

Abhinav Shrivastava

Week 11 - Coaching Assignment - Option One: Solo Presencing

Today was a windy day. I found myself a place nearby the residence and sat outside, free from any distractions. In the beginning I just sat there, taking in my surroundings; the wind blowing, the cars passing in the distance, people hurrying to their next obligation. Then I started to notice how my breathing was kind of controlled. I had been walking for a few minutes before I sat down, so it felt almost like my breathing was “determined” and had a purpose. Then I started to notice how I was sitting; back straight, legs together, both feet on the ground, hands in my lap. All in all, a very tense position. I decided to change it, and try the meditation position. My back was still straight, but now it felt more natural. In a way the position opened me up. And after a while my breathing started to change as well – it became slower, and I felt more relaxed. I took deeper and fewer breaths than earlier. Before doing this exercise I had been stressing about everything I had to do. Breathing slower, and just sitting there and taking in all the expressions from around me helped. I felt calmer. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head. Then all of a sudden a gust of wind came up from behind me, and I felt it push me forward. I think I sat for at least a couple of minutes just letting myself move with the wind.

I noticed I was holding hands with myself. Mostly to warm them I suppose, but at the same time there was also something safe about it. And that’s when I asked myself “what is my authentic self?” I tried to think about what this question truly means. What decides what my authentic self is? Is it my thoughts? My qualities? My personality? My actions? Or is it a combination of all these factors? If I believe in equal rights for men and women, but my actions don’t convey my thoughts, which part of this is me? And does this in return reflect my personality or my qualities?

These thoughts made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, because it made me feel like I should be doing more than I’m doing today. I have the opportunity to make a difference, so why am I not taking it? I got a knot in my stomach, wondering if I was truly being myself, or if I wasn’t living up to my true potential. I thought more about my quiet nature, and how I had always envied those that dared to be louder. Why wasn’t that me? If I tried to be loud, I would worry about offending others or worry about what they thought of me. I started thinking about what this said about me; I am quiet. I worry about other people’s emotions. I don’t wish to upset anyone. This leads me to become very cautious. But is being cautious necessarily a bad thing? Perhaps I should embrace it? Because it also brings about some good qualities – compassion, thoroughness, kindness. Perhaps if I wish to move forward I need to accept the qualities that I already have, and perhaps try and develop them further.

Being cautious is reflected in all aspects of my life, both professional and personal. I need time to let my guard down and to let someone in. But when I do, I completely trust this person and I feel completely safe around him or her. Even though it takes me a while to get to this point, when I do get there, it is really freeing and satisfying. And I think it is in these types of situations where I am most aligned with my authentic self. All the aspects I mentioned earlier (my thoughts, qualities, personality and actions) align with each other. There is harmony and I feel at peace.

When thinking about my authentic self, I also thought about who I want to be in the future. How I want my actions to show more of who I truly am. Then I started to wonder why I was thinking about making changes in the future and not in the present? I realized that when thinking about the future, it’s always easy to say that “one day, I will do this and that”. And I usually always find excuses to postpone important life changes. But if I truly want to progress, and to move forward, I need to grab onto what I want in life and make it happen. The only difficult part of this is that I’m still not quite sure of who I really am. This is a big question, and I think we spend most of our lives trying to figure this out. But by being more active and focusing on figuring out what you want and how to achieve it, I think we can come closer to our goal and at the same time truly experience ourselves and our abilities.

These 30 minutes in nature was interesting. I felt more relaxed, reflected and calm. And as I started on the way back to my dorm room (the sun appearing just as I saw the entrance to the residence), I thought that even though these minutes may not suffice in discovering my authentic self, it was a starting point. Being without distractions enables you to really think about deeper questions that are easy to avoid in your daily life. It opens your mind and makes you more aware of how you present yourself and how you truly feel about certain aspects of your life.

Ingrid Elisabeth Sørensen

Reflective entry about Field 4

Because it was -7°C outside I didn’t go outside to do the exercise of this coaching cession but I found a calm place with a good view in my building. I started to relax. I noticed that for me it is easier to relax when I’m sitting in the cross-legged way. It has always been that way. When I was relaxed I tried to think and to focus about who I am, I really tried hard not to think about my past. Sometimes my mind rambled so I had to focus again on what I was thinking again. I realized that I’m never doing that: taking deep moments of reflection about myself. I really want to do it more in order to know myself better.  But that process it hard, it really takes a lot of energy but I think that in a long term perspective it can help me to figure out who I really am.

Right now is the perfect period for me to do that exercise because I’m going to be graduated very soon and I don’t know what I want to do, partly because I don’t know who I am. The main thing which I thought about was I want to do meaningful things in my life (and more particularly in my professional life). I don’t want to only occupy a function. While I was reflecting the main image which came into my mind was to change the world and in particular the business practices. It was the feeling I had in the background of my precise thoughts. It wasn’t a clear image but just a “mental feeling”. On top of that I had more precise thoughts about me traveling and involving myself professionally in different cultures. The main feeling I had was that this whole concept of changing how the business world is ruled was possible. I really had the feeling that, in the future, I could reach it. The main mean to do so appeared to be discussion and contact with people. I was picturing myself interacting with people. I really had the feeling of being someone fully integrated to the world and even if each individual is only 1/6 500 000 000^th of the world population I had the feeling that each singe individual accounted. At this moment I could feel that I was more self confident and fully aware to the others, if I would have been with people I knew I would have been nice and very understanding with them. I knew that if I would have done a coaching cession at that moment I would have listened to my coachee very well and I would have been able to feel what he/she wanted to say. 

I understood during that exercise some conditions I needed to feel that feeling that I’m calling presencing: I need my mind to be free of problems and not to think about anything from the everyday life which is bothering me. I can remember me feeling presencing and it was always after I was deliberated from a high amount of problems. To me, the harder part would be to feel that I’m free of problems. I need to find solution to put a powerful filter between my mind and my environment. I need to change my perception of what is problem and how they affect me.

Feedbacks coaching cession week 8

My experience as a coachee

Abhinav was my coach and asked me good questions. I could feel he was interested in what I was saying even if he is silent usually. I can feel he is listening to me and not judging myself at all. What is interesting is that I have that impression that I’m being listened better and better from one coaching cession to another. It is a feeling that I couldn’t justify by concrete and precise facts. The fact that we are getting to know each other more may help. We are interested in what the other is saying. For instance Abhinav usually asks me for more details about the experiences I’m sharing about myself. The quality of listening of the observatory is very good also, in that case Ingrid. Indeed she asked me questions too and made good remarks. For instance she made a parallel between what I wrote and an exercise we practiced in class several weeks ago: the suspension process. I can feel that the observatory is getting more and more involved in the conversation and is not only summarizing what he/she saw (what we used to do at the very beginning). One last point that I want to mention is that Abhinav made me see what happen with my work partner in a different way: he made me realize that my perception was affecting me with my work partner. Indeed, I realized that because I don’t find my partner intrusive I have a tendency to oppose myself to his ideas and put mine first. Here, my coach made me see the situation from another angle; it makes me think about the elephant metaphor we had in class about Field III conversations.

My experience as a coach

Ingrid was my coachee while I was the coach. First of all I really liked to coach her because she used a personal situation and spoke about something which is not easy to speak about: her fear to take decisions and speak up in groups. She usually uses and explains us these personal experiences which makes the conversation even more interesting. Indeed, it is not something that people usually speak about. This may influence my listening: I’m always trying to focus on what she is saying and listen to her carefully. I noticed that the questions were coming into my mind and I hadn’t to force myself to think about them. Indeed, I think that I’m realizing that my listening was poorer during the previous sessions because I was somehow trying to find questions. While I was doing that during the previous sessions my attention wasn’t one hundred per cent active and I wasn’t following the whole conversation. I can tell now because I’m standing back and I can feel I haven’t those moments of “partial attention”.

A second interesting element was the fact that I’m learning when I’m coaching. Indeed, I usually can relate myself to what my coaches are saying and it enables me to think about how I would react in that case and compare. I’m realizing that coaching someone is not only helping that person but it helps the coach too!

Reflection Entry Week 8 Coaching assignment:

Abhinav Shrivastava

First off all, I would like to thank my team for their support and thoughtfulness all through the coaching call. It was a wonderful and knowledgeable session for all of us. We had an excellent understanding and synchronization while playing the role of a coach, coachee and observer respectively.

We as a team can see the progress and synergy among each of us. At this stage of the coaching session our knowledge and emotional intelligence is at the peak.

The coaching call began, with Ingrid and Grichka conversing as a coachee and a coach respectively. I was the observer.  Ingrid explained about her experience in terms of the four player model. She explained that she always used to take the stand as a bystander as she didn’t want to be wrong in her decision. Later she concluded that sometimes she doesn’t open up, unless she is comfortable with the group. So this reflects that the root of the issue is the communication failure and cultural misunderstanding that restrains her as well as the group from framing the problem.

It is clear that we are all culturally overstrained. Our thoughts and actions are extremely influenced by our cultural background. As a result we fail to think rationally and hence adopt the defensive routines. Thus to overcome this issue, it is important to develop the shared mental models along with consistent dialogues.

What we perceive is often based on our preconceived thoughts, needs and expectations. Sometimes assumptions or projection of ideas along with cultural miscommunication make our cognitive process distorted.

Later Grichka started the conversation and we asked some questions for clarification. He mentioned that previously he always led the team, and hence this time he decided to be a follower. He tried suspending his thoughts and focused more on listening and understanding his partner.

Therefore we can conclude that it is important to provide air time for everyone and make sure that everybody participates. We also realised that it is important to suspend your thoughts to help others engage in the conversation. It provides air time for everyone to think deeply, examine their own perceptions, re-examine their feelings and impulses in order to come up with new ideas during the dialogue. It is significant to listen to ourselves before we can really understand others.

Also, due to our in depth knowledge we could conclude that; initially is it necessary to focus on the other persons thoughts and ideas rather than, on one’s own intended responses. In contrast it is important to involve everyone in the dialogue in turn helping each person to be more conscious of how our thought process works. Also; it is observed that we think and communicate better when in a group because of our collective thoughts.

Finally, I started elaborating on my part of advocacy and inquiry. I explained that, there should be a balance in the conversation between advocacy and inquiry. The balance should be maintained among all the four quadrants. It is a fact that mutual learning is at its peak, when the people in the conversation are over engaged and are having a healthy dialogue. However, while discussing this stage with my coach and observer; they reflected that it is not possible to be in the mutual learning phase at all times. At some point, the dialogue shifts to other quadrants where interviewing, imposing, and explaining and interrogation takes place.

It is very important to involve the group in the process of thinking together in generative and creative way. Therefore, the process of discussion and dialogues can be built and developed over other’s ideas and ultimately reaching a creative solution to solve the complex problem. Therefore dialogues are the vehicle for creative problem identification and problem solving. Moreover, dialogues are the tool that builds common understanding, in that it allows one to see the hidden meanings in our own communication.

Thanks for reading!!

Thanks & regards,

Abhinav Shrivastava

Coaching Assignment week 8 - Reflective Entry

My role as a coach:

Before this week’s assignment, I decided to brush up on the five key processes, and read about them just before I had my coaching meeting. I felt this made me focus extra on my role as a coach, because I had it fresh in mind, and I was able to think about it during the whole coaching session. When I was the coach, I noticed that this time the questions came a bit more naturally. I found that I was genuinely interested in learning the answers to my questions and to get clarification about certain aspects.

What was interesting this time, was that while I was trying to get a certain clarification from my coachee, I felt that he continued to repeat some of the answers he had already given. For me, this posed a challenge, because I didn’t know how to ask the question differently, in order for him to better understand what I was looking for. So I had to restrain myself from not asking leading questions that would somehow influence his answer.

After the coaching session, our observer mentioned that perhaps we were in fact talking about the same thing, only we used a different vocabulary. This was clearer for him, because he was observing the conversation and did not have the same mindset as my coachee and I did. But the aspect of vocabulary really interested me. As a coach you are supposed to help your coachee develop a deeper understanding for his actions, and help him see things in a different way. But if our vocabulary differs, how can we be sure that we in fact understand each other? So from now on I will try and focus more on making sure that we both have the same understanding of the issues at hand.

My role as a coachee:

As a coachee, I was able to look at myself on a more personal level. My coach focused a lot on asking clarifying questions – why did I feel the way I did? And even though I might have had some ideas as to why before, having to articulate my thoughts helped me realize that I am in fact somewhat bound by my fears. I fear what the outcome will be if I make the wrong choice and I fear what people will think of me if I choose the wrong option. So I tend to stay in my comfort zone, where the risk of being judged is minimized. In a situation as the one I found myself in this week, staying in the comfort zone feels safe. In reality, what often happens is that after we have had a discussion about what to do, we take a vote, and I will usually go with the majority, because I have faith in my teammates being able to make the right decision. The question then becomes, why don’t I have faith in myself? And this is what I tried to improve this week, by taking a more active role and bringing another suggestion to the table.

My coach also made an interesting remark when wondering how I stayed invisible. For me it was never about being invisible. In fact, I don’t consider myself to be. I actively share my reflections when discussing, the only thing is that I rarely am able to say “this is better than this”. So even though I can assess whether or not something is a good choice, I find it difficult to tell if it is better or worse than another option. And this will always be the case. You can never know up front what will happen in the future. For me this is difficult, because I like to know that when I make a decision, it’s the right one. And I think this is what is leading me to become a bystander in a group. I wish so badly to see a hint of how the future will look like, so that I can assess it and assess the options, and then make an informed decision. I need to learn how to let go of this fear of making a mistake. I know it is human to make mistakes, and yet when it comes to myself, I can’t accept it.

Ingrid Elisabeth Sørensen

Caoching assignement week 8

I am currently working on a project for the Faculty (FSA) administration with another member of the faculty (Hugues). This operation is called “Opération comment ça va?”. Indeed, our mission is to call all foreign students who arrived in January and ask them some question in order to see if they adapted themselves well to Canada and more particularly to Laval University and try to detect any distress signals. We have to work together with Hugues and we have to adopt the same strategy when we call, that is to say that we have to agree on the questions we ask to the foreign students, for instance. That can look simple but it is way harder than expected to use both of our opinions and ideas in order to find the most relevant questions in order to detect any distress from the foreign students. I personally find it hard to build our respective ideas and to really improve our questions thanks to the other. That is why I wanted to apply Kantor’s model on us.

I observed the way we behaved and I found out that most of the time I am the Mover. I usually propose an idea and he follows it, becoming the Follower. But at some point I realize I have a new idea which is better than my first one so I change my mind, I forget the first one and I become the Opposer. Usually, I consider that second idea to be the best I can find so I stick with it. Sometimes Hugues finds out a last idea which is different than the two I proposed and he becomes the Bystander. Usually, it is hard for me to give up on my second idea and recognize that Hugues’ third idea would be the best. But I sometimes do it. I think it is because I am not challenging myself enough and I think that my first idea is good and if I have a second one which opposes the first one I will almost be sure that this second one can’t have any failure. I trust myself too easily and too quickly. And I am so stuck in my idea that I don’t give too much credit to my colleague. I think that is why I am a bad Follower and Bystander.

That is why when, two days ago, when Hugues had an idea about a potential question we could have asked I decided to take the role of the Supporter saying that his idea was pertinent and that we should use it. I actually realized when I said that, that it helped me to analyze his idea because it forced me to listen to him carefully and to think about what is just said. I actually put a lot of efforts in  analyzing what he said and I cleared up my mind in order not to be influenced by any judgments I could have. And I actually found it good. A little later he challenged his own idea. But, surprisingly, a third proposition came into my mind: I became the Bystander without forcing it. I really think that paying attention to the others and truly listening to them helps me being able to accept their opinions and help us to construct upon the new reflections we have.

Week 8 Coaching assignment: Part 2: Advocacy and Inquiry

I am narrating my recent conversation with the Vice President of International Association of Students in Economic and Commercial Sciences (AIESEC) of Laval University. I come to know that there was a position available in the AIESEC Laval for the communication position. I took the appointment for meeting and offered my services for the position.

The conversations started with a mutual learning and introduction. The Vice President (VP) of communication department started explaining about the organization. First he told me about the partners across the world. He explained in detail about the purpose of the organization. All the advantages of being a member of the organisation and in addition how can we get the connections from the other partners across the globe. I asked him how many people presently associated with the organisation. How old is this organisation? Then he asked me how I come to know this organisation? Is there any of my friends associated with this committee? Communication was in full flow from both sides.

Later, VP started asking questions one after another. He asked me many questions about my educational background, hobbies, likes and dislikes and family background. He asked me the following questions too:-

Ø How long I will be here? What is the course I am doing here?

Ø What is my interest in coming to Canada? Why not USA or UK?

Ø Later he asked me how I come to know the LAVAL University. Do people know the university in your country?

Ø He asked me about my technical skills and experience of web development?

I replied him that I had some of my colleagues associated with this organisation. They told me about the advantages of being a member of such an organisation. I also added that I enjoy working for social organisations. When I was in under graduation, I used to work for such type of organisations. We have an association for promotion of energy conservation. And I had worked in that association for 2 years. VP appreciated and said we want somebody who have an experience of working for social cause and the most important is that he/she should be passionate about his/her responsibilities.

After getting to know me, my profile and interest; VP looked satisfied and thought that I am capable to hold the communication position. He started telling me about the roles and responsibilities of wed developer and furthermore explained the brand management policies of the organisation.

Since Web developers are responsible for publishing the reports, advertisements and news letter about the organisation. So being a communication web developer, I need to follow the protocols and branding rules. I can’t change the logo of AIESEC on the website and to publish the events and news without approvals of president. I need to respect the partner’s interest and abide by the rules and guidelines set by the president of the organisation. I understand that I have restricted rights to do the changes on the website and website is heavily accessed by AIESEC member.

Later we reached a stage of little dialogue. We reached to a level where no more inquiry needed. We got to know one another well. Conversation reached the phase of observing. Later we finished the meeting by greeting each other.

Observation:

I observed that the conversation started with high advocacy and high inquiry, but later it reached to low inquiry and low advocacy. To keep the momentum high, I need to take a different stand for inquiry. I could have been more polite and provide more air time to other person. Then I could have prolonged the discussion in mutual learning.

To make other person join you in the communication, it is important to provide an inviting atmosphere. As well show interest in his/her ideas and try to surmount the creative thought that no one would have initially imagined. To preserve the dialogues it is significant that his/her interest should be proportionally balanced during questioning, answering and mutual learning phases. Other person should not feel he/she have been interrogated or imposed too much in the conversation. Provide sufficient space to express his/her views. Show interest in the talk and ask questions into his/her views frequently.

As a manager, skillful means required to master this practices are as follow:-

· Don’t be in a hurry; give sufficient time to understand other’s view and feelings.

· Respond courteously to enhance your self-worth, rather than tear it down.

· Understand “the devil is in the details”. Don’t dig too much on any point. Keep the question and information straightforward and comprehensible.

· Learn to focus initially on what the other person is saying rather than your own intended response.

· Keep the conversation creative and generate ideas, and most important together. So that the dialogue can be further develop and achieve better results.

Real manager should act like a facilitator all through the conversation. Make the dialogues informative, explainable, observing and most important a platform for mutual learning.

Thanks & regards,

Abhinav Shrivastava

Coaching Assignment Week 8 – Engaging our conversational Leadership Skills

For my coaching assignment, I chose to apply Kantor’s model in a team meeting I had about a paper we need to write for a class. I think that usually I take the role of a bystander; I am constantly afraid of making the wrong decision, so I’m always very careful and try to see all the sides and all the possible consequences of a choice. By doing this I notice that I often fall into a too passive state, where I in the end am incapable of actually making a decision. So even though I feel that being able to see things from both sides is a positive quality and even though the bystander provides perspective, in a democratic group, such as for a school assignment, I eventually have to figure out where I stand. Because my fear resides in taking sides, I realized that I should try and choose either a follower role or an opposer role. And because my fear also lies in confrontation, I figured I would try and namely choose the opposer role, should it fit in the context.

The goal of the meeting was mainly to figure out the structure of our paper. When we started the meeting, it first went a little slow. Finally, one of the guys spoke up and we started discussing different approaches. After a while I noticed that I had, somewhat unknowingly, fallen into the role of a bystander again. As I became aware of this, I tried to look for opportunities to break out of my role.

Eventually we came to a critical decision, where the choices we made would affect how the paper would turn out. Before I had a chance to speak up, the other girl in my group came with a suggestion. Immediately after, one of the guys agreed. I had uncovered the mover and the follower of the group. I realized that my suggestion differed from hers, so I decided to put myself in the opposer role and give my suggestion. I could tell that right before I spoke up my heart started pounding faster, and what felt like louder. But I did it, and I felt that afterwards the conversation went quite well. Having two options to choose from enabled the conversation to be more open. We discussed the pros and cons as a team, and in the end came to a conclusion. And even though “my” suggestion didn’t get picked, I still felt positive about speaking up, and opposing her view. It gave way to a good discussion and some key points that might otherwise have been lost.

I think the reason I consider these three roles, and especially the opposer role, to be my weaker ones, are because I rarely practice them. It’s safe to be a bystander, because you take no sides - people can’t judge you and you won’t lose face if you choose the “wrong” option. In this case however, I think that because we’ve now gotten to know each other more, we feel more comfortable around each other, and disagreeing is not so scary anymore. But just because I feel safe here, does not mean I will feel safe in other groups. You never know how people will react, and I think that is what scares me the most. But the only way for me to strengthen the opposer role, and the other two roles, is by practice. Perhaps someday I’ll be able to do it without having to warm up to people as much.

Ingrid Elisabeth Sørensen

Feedbacks about the 3rd coaching cession - Grichka

Hello all,

First of all I really want to emphasize that this coaching meeting was the most advanced one!! I can feel we are getting better at this exercise and, more interesting, I can feel that the whole team can feel that. This is very encouraging and significant to see that, and that helps creating a virtuous circle which makes us involving ourselves deeper in the exercise.

This coaching cession was enjoyable and productive because we could feel that we were listening to each other carefully. After each coachee told his/her experience the coach had relevant questions about it, and those questions came pretty easily. I could feel that the level of the questions we were asking had increased compared to the previous coaching meeting. Moreover, in that meeting, the coach wasn’t the only person asking questions. Indeed, each of us during our “observer role” asked questions. The interest was palpable. For the first time we went further than just asking questions and commenting on them: we joined and compared our experiences! For instance Abhinav, when he was my coach, told me he had an experience which was comparable to mine and we started to build on that in order to learn from each other. Another interesting thing: we gave pieces of advice to each other when it was relevant. For instance, while I was coaching Ingrid about her neighbor problem, it immediately rang a bell when she said “it wasn’t my neighbor who was noisy but her sister on Skype because of the bad internet wifi service”. I suggested her to give her neighbor earphones, which could be a solution to get everybody happy. Ingrid appreciated it and said she would consider that if things weren’t getting better. That coaching cession was good also because we didn’t say “you should/shouldn’t do that”, we were not judging each other but pointing out interesting points inviting to reflection. For instance, I asked Abhinav if he was still thinking that his way of constantly assessing risk was the optimum one after he talked to his successful cousin who has the opposite behavior. In the opposite direction Abhinav relevantly made me realize that my team member and I had different methods: I was more pragmatic and she was more focused on doing everything well.

That coaching cession also helped me to open my mind and learn more about the suspension process and more particularly about the first step of it. Indeed, on my reflective entry I only described and considered internal feelings and explained that I suspended them. Ingrid was more focused on the expression of those feeling through her body. For instance she could feel her heart beating faster or her hands getting wet. As we discussed in class, I realized that she was considering her body as “an instrument of knowing”. Abhinav was more focused on the fact that he didn’t want to judge, he wanted his mind to be all cleared and open in order to fully enjoy his conversation. Those two different angles of vision helped me to complement my vision of the first step of the suspension process. It helped me to learn more about it and will help me to use it more successfully because I am going to integrate their angle of vision and pay attention to my body signals for instance.

Reflection entry for week 6 Coaching Assignment:-

First off, I would like to thank my peers- Ingrid and Grichka for being a part of the coaching assignment. I find them truly interesting, motivating and supportive throughout the conversation.

To start with the mastering of suspension coaching call assignment. Our group had three different situations of real life. It was a great experience to discuss how everyone kept their suspension of judgment in order to give more time for the thinking and observing. We had started the assignment with Ingrid and Grichka as the coach and observer respectively. And I was the coachee for the Ingrid. Ingrid offered me a very motivating body language and inviting atmosphere. I started elaborating my situation in detail. After I finished, she asked me few questions about the suspension of judgment and what was my experience? I answered her questions and she was satisfied with my reasoning. After that Grichka took the charge of the situation and appreciated the conversation between Ingrid and myself. Also he asked few questions to understand the situation noticeably. He pointed out how I had highlighted the phases in my writing blogs very clear-cut. I explained him that I kept in my mind, that I need to follow the two phases and sensed the differentiation in the conversation.

Secondly, Ingrid and Grichka took the role of coach and coachee respectively. I was in the observer’s seat. I was very attentive throughout the conversation and tried to find how Ingrid managed her anxiety level and suspended the thoughts. Once she finished her conversation, Grichka asked some interesting questions and suggested better solution of the problem that Ingrid was facing. Ingrid appreciated the suggestion from Grichka. We all conclude that suspending the thoughts and judgment is complicated. But in case of Ingrid’s situation – the culprit didn’t know that her actions were troubling someone, culprit accepted her mistake and apologised Ingrid too. I asked Ingrid about the problems and the anxiety level she confronted during the entire episode. Also, how long she had suspended her thoughts and judgement, before deciding to go and talk to that girl directly. Ingrid replied my questions satisfactorily.

Thirdly, Ingrid and Grichka are on the observer and coachee’s position respectively. And I was the coach of Grichka. I started the conversation with applauding his write-up and highlighted the main points in the conversation. Then Grichka started explaining the situation. He pointed out the pickiness of one of his teammates during his teamwork. She was very peculiar about her work. That was bit irritating for the other teammates. Later Grichka decided to talk to her and successfully resolved the matter. We learned that it is important for the team to understand one another. At the end, I told them that – even I had encountered people who have a different work style, and they want the things to be on track from day one. They believe that – “Well begin is half done”.

It was a wonderful experience discussing the way each other practiced the suspension by keeping ourselves to back step and learn to observe our thinking at the moment. Later noticing the reactions, impulsiveness and this has helped us to build the trust.

Thanks a lot everyone for your active participation.

Have a nice day!

Best Regards,

Abhinav Shrivastava

Week 6 - Reflective Entry

I think our coaching session went really well today. I felt my team members had interesting experiences to talk about, and I was curious to hear their opinions on how they tried to suspend their judgment.

As a coach this time, I tried to balance my role between asking clarifying questions and also trying to focus on the assignment at hand. I found that it was somewhat difficult to ask open-ended questions, and I realized that perhaps my questions this time were a bit leading. Luckily I realized this during the session, so I tried to shift my perspective and focus more on how I asked the questions. Instead of asking “Did you feel that…” I asked “How did you feel when…”. In fact, when I think about it now, it almost sounds as if I practiced suspension during our conversation! Because I assumed that he would feel a certain way, so I asked in a way that would confirm my assumptions. But when I realized that I did this, I tried to change my pattern.

As a coachee I felt that my coach was able to make me realize new perspectives. In particular, he asked me about my purpose when going over there. Did I plan to offer a solution? And I realized that I hadn’t thought that through. My goal was only for the noise to stop, I hadn’t given any thought as to how it would stop. Luckily for me, the person in the room came up with her own solution, but if that hadn’t been the case, I’m not sure what I would have done. And this realization I found very interesting. Because the way I approached this problem didn’t really offer a constructive solution, but if I had gone over there with a suggestion, perhaps the conversation would have been even more beneficial. So I realized that I need to focus on the purpose of a conversation, and ways that I can contribute to it.

I was also asked to clarify my emotions. Because, as I mentioned in my blog, this had gone on for a while, so I was becoming increasingly more annoyed. And after having read this assignment and trying to suspend my judgment, that’s when I noticed my physical reaction of being frustrated (the teeth clenching and so on). Before I had just been frustrated, I hadn’t really been aware of how it affected me, both mentally and physically. And I think that my emotions were probably enhanced by suppressing my feelings. Because I knew that confronting her would be unpleasant, I tried to avoid it for as long as I could, hoping it would disappear on its own.

All in all, I feel this coaching session was interesting, and allowed me to view my situation in a different light. I now feel clearer on what I should do the next time I approach a difficult situation, and hopefully suspension will become easier with time.

Week 6 Coaching Assignment: Mastering the practice of suspension

With the deliberation in the mind to practice the “Suspension of thoughts”, I called my cousin brother in India. We are of same age group, we both had done engineering. Also, we had started the job almost at the same time. But my cousin brother is very entrepreneurial minded. He neither like working for any employer nor want to do something common. He has a completely different mindset altogether. He takes risk and then calculates the risk and its consequences. I serious hate him for doing such a silly act. I used to differ 180 degrees from his thoughts for doing all these experiments with job and career. We sometimes get involved in the hot discussions. We started the conversation with discussing better opportunities in doing our own business, rather than slogging and devoting so much time, efforts and energy working with traditional employers. I was not in touch with him for long, since the time I moved to Canada.

So I decided he is the right person to talk and practice suspension of thoughts. I have decided that I will not go to start the call with any preconceived thoughts. I tried my level best to listen and provide him a very inviting atmosphere and explore what actually he wants from his life? So this is a high time to practice and master my knowledge of suspension of thoughts rather than projecting my assumptions and biases, histories and habitual way of the issues. I called him in the morning; he was busy leaving for some important meeting. So he suggested me to talk to him in the evening after his office hours. I again called him in the evening, he was very happy that I called him and he started discussing recent acquisition of a new company. I was shocked that he had recently started his company and he reached to such a great level that he acquires other companies. He told me in detail that how is had made connections in the company. Later, he mastered their line of business and asked them to give control to him. He is very confident about his capabilities that he will take his business to new heights.

I congratulated him for his hard work and dedication. I was observing my thoughts and experience about him before and after situations. I tried not to download any thoughts from the past. I wanted to judge him from his present situation. After sometime he only started discussing, how we used to discuss and debate of opening a new venture. He told me that he was not at all practicable in his approach, whereas I was too much practical in my decisions. So we both are at the extremes of the situations. We both had a very different approach towards life. However, he told me whenever he used to take any decision he keeps a check on him about what I used to tell him. Do not be too bullish, take calculated risks. Keep your safety belt on.

I didn’t jump into any conclusion about – what his approach was and whether he is stable. What are his future plans? How he is going to manage the workforce and overall business? I had a thought in my mind to slow down my judgment process and to learn more about him and ourselves. I was curiously listening his stories, how he took the business, and what all difficulties he had faced. I was simply lost in the way he was narrating the whole episode. After he finished, I thought I was also done for the first part of suspension process. Afterwards, it’s time to move on to the outward part of the suspension process.

I started the outwards part of the suspension process (I-I). I told him that you have done well till date. But now it’s time to bring sustainability in your business. Not only bring sustainability in your business but also brings stability in you; have you had to change your mind-set. I from my side noticed my reaction, impulse and feeling of what I had said, also at the same moment my thoughts are clearly conveyed to him. In the same suspension on the lighter note we started laughing. And I said – buddy “Miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep”. We both started laughing and acknowledged that we have to do much more than what we have thought off.

Later, we both started discussing the sustainability factors of the global companies. How companies perform the merger and acquisitions. How much both the parties are benefited from the “Win-Win” situations etc; we came to the conclusion that – to run business we need to bring sustainability. And sustainability comes when leadership of the organisation became matured. After that we discussed about other family members and how they are doing. And then we had finished the conversation.

Thanks & Regards,

Abhinav Shrivastava