Today was a
windy day. I found myself a place nearby the residence and sat outside, free
from any distractions. In the beginning I just sat there, taking in my
surroundings; the wind blowing, the cars passing in the distance, people
hurrying to their next obligation. Then I started to notice how my breathing
was kind of controlled. I had been walking for a few minutes before I sat down,
so it felt almost like my breathing was “determined” and had a purpose. Then I
started to notice how I was sitting; back straight, legs together, both feet on
the ground, hands in my lap. All in all, a very tense position. I decided to
change it, and try the meditation position. My back was still straight, but now
it felt more natural. In a way the position opened me up. And after a while my
breathing started to change as well – it became slower, and I felt more
relaxed. I took deeper and fewer breaths than earlier. Before doing this
exercise I had been stressing about everything I had to do. Breathing slower,
and just sitting there and taking in all the expressions from around me helped.
I felt calmer. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head. Then all of a
sudden a gust of wind came up from behind me, and I felt it push me forward. I
think I sat for at least a couple of minutes just letting myself move with the
wind.
I noticed I
was holding hands with myself. Mostly to warm them I suppose, but at the same
time there was also something safe about it. And that’s when I asked myself “what
is my authentic self?” I tried to think about what this question truly means.
What decides what my authentic self is? Is it my thoughts? My qualities? My
personality? My actions? Or is it a combination of all these factors? If I
believe in equal rights for men and women, but my actions don’t convey my
thoughts, which part of this is me? And does this in return reflect my
personality or my qualities?
These
thoughts made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, because it made me feel like I
should be doing more than I’m doing today. I have the opportunity to make a
difference, so why am I not taking it? I got a knot in my stomach, wondering if
I was truly being myself, or if I wasn’t living up to my true potential. I
thought more about my quiet nature, and how I had always envied those that
dared to be louder. Why wasn’t that me? If I tried to be loud, I would worry
about offending others or worry about what they thought of me. I started
thinking about what this said about me; I am quiet. I worry about other people’s
emotions. I don’t wish to upset anyone. This leads me to become very cautious. But
is being cautious necessarily a bad thing? Perhaps I should embrace it? Because
it also brings about some good qualities – compassion, thoroughness, kindness. Perhaps
if I wish to move forward I need to accept the qualities that I already have,
and perhaps try and develop them further.
Being
cautious is reflected in all aspects of my life, both professional and
personal. I need time to let my guard down and to let someone in. But when I
do, I completely trust this person and I feel completely safe around him or
her. Even though it takes me a while to get to this point, when I do get there,
it is really freeing and satisfying. And I think it is in these types of
situations where I am most aligned with my authentic self. All the aspects I
mentioned earlier (my thoughts, qualities, personality and actions) align with
each other. There is harmony and I feel at peace.
When
thinking about my authentic self, I also thought about who I want to be in the
future. How I want my actions to show more of who I truly am. Then I started to
wonder why I was thinking about making changes in the future and not in the
present? I realized that when thinking about the future, it’s always easy to
say that “one day, I will do this and that”. And I usually always find excuses
to postpone important life changes. But if I truly want to progress, and to
move forward, I need to grab onto what I want in life and make it happen. The
only difficult part of this is that I’m still not quite sure of who I really
am. This is a big question, and I think we spend most of our lives trying to
figure this out. But by being more active and focusing on figuring out what you
want and how to achieve it, I think we can come closer to our goal and at the
same time truly experience ourselves and our abilities.
These 30
minutes in nature was interesting. I felt more relaxed, reflected and calm. And
as I started on the way back to my dorm room (the sun appearing just as I saw
the entrance to the residence), I thought that even though these minutes may
not suffice in discovering my authentic self, it was a starting point. Being without
distractions enables you to really think about deeper questions that are easy to
avoid in your daily life. It opens your mind and makes you more aware of how
you present yourself and how you truly feel about certain aspects of your life.
Ingrid Elisabeth Sørensen
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